Loyalty shattered

Loyalty, is faithfulness or a devotion to a person, country, group, or cause.

One thing, I want to be is loyal. One thing I used to be was loyal. I was loyal to a faith, a belief, a cause: Pentecostalism. I still am. I don't talk badly about it. I will talk about my experiences but in general I don't have a bad word for it. But what did that loyalty get me besides guilt. Something came to me today. I associate loyalty with guilt. If I have a true loyalty to you or from you. I feel guilty that I've broken or that I will break it or that I want to break it. But that feels right... to have loyalty wrapped in guilt.
I loved my religion. I loved being pentecostal and I truly believed it was the way. I was truly devoted. Truly loyal. And then it abandoned me. It turn me against me. It turned my love for who I was into hatred. Deep hatred. Suicidal hatred. How could this happen? My first love, my first hurt.
I don't know that I've ever been loyal since. I have a big mouth. Anyone that knows me.. knows this. You know what a big mouth is? A lack of loyalty. I owe it to the ones who have stood by me, Jessica and all the friends, to be loyal. I know this won't change over night. I know the hurt and confusion from my religion still lingers but I think this is my last obstacle. If I can give my loyalty to those who deserve it, I've healed the final wound left from my first heartbreak, losing my religion.

And to those who I've not been loyal. Not held your trust like I should've. I apologize. I sincerely do. I hope to change that.

On the job

I might be moving (maybe) in a 6 months. If I do. I'll be starting/seeking a new job.
I am not sure how to handle the name issue.

I won't be changing my name before I leave. I think I'll handle the name thing this way: I'll go by birth name until I am hired and then have a discussion with my manager and the HR person about wanting to use male pronouns and Leo. I know it's ultimately my decision but I am not sure which would be better; to introduce this in the interviewing process or wait until I am actually an employee to bring it up. I am definitely ready to identify as Leo and male in my next job.

The above is what I sent to my mentor about the situation to her input.


I am just not sure of how to go about this.

Class Reunion

My 10 reunion is coming up. I chatted with a high school friend that is on the planning committee...and in charge of locating me. She said that the other girls in the committee made the comment that they didn't think anyone in our class was gay. My class was 250 people. Recent research suggest that 1 in 20 people are gay. Lets do the math. That would mean there would be a good possibility of 12 gay people. Come on!

But that shows a bit of the mentality of these woman. Diversity isn't something they can even begin to understand.

I joked that I would show up at the reunion and they'd be like 'who's the gay guy?'
I am really torn because I don't want to hide from them. I would like to go and show them that you can be trans/gay/different and live a productive/happy life. But will a few hours of exposure to me... really establish that? I have tough skin so I am not afraid of being hurt. I think, mostly, I don't want to be trapped in my old identity...that pentecostal girl I once was. I am not ashamed of her. I am just not her anymore. As I told my friends.. she has sort of died. She doesn't exist anymore. And I respect her too much to try to pretend to be her.

I am pretty conflicted about the whole thing.
Suggestions? Comments? Are you out there?

Passing through

It was a busy weekend. Hung out with old friends and got sick. Still recovering.

I wanted to chat a bit about my decision to not feed into the hyper-masculine vision of transitioning. Lots of physical things are changing like my muscles but I still pluck my eyebrows. I still fancy looking fancy. I joke that I am a gay man that loves woman. And honestly, I feel most at home with woman and gay men. I've tried bonding with straight men... but I usually can't click. (I am a vibes type of guy... if we don't vibe. we don't vibe. period)

I really identify as queer. Sometimes as trans. But more just on the outside... part of the queer community.

It's nice to be able to pass as so many things: a lesbian, a straight man, a gay man, a trans-person. To live a life full of different perspectives, an insider and an outsider. It's an ability to embody the other side. It's like being a spy.

One of my favorite trans-youtubers makes perfect sense of this identity seesaw:

Metrosexual

When I was a woman... I was too butch. Now that I am a man.. I am too feminine. Hahaha. Either way, I'm frequently perceived as gay. It's a spectrum, people. Our gender and sexuality are separate. Two different things. Let's stop making them one in the same. A butch woman could be straight and a fem lady could be gay.

Gender is a societal thing

Trans
transcend: To pass beyond the limits of: emotions that transcend understanding.
OR even better:
. To be greater than, as in intensity or power; surpass:

A direct translation of the Ojibwe term, Niizh manidoowag, "two-spirited" or "two-spirit" is usually used to indicate a person whose body simultaneously houses a masculine spirit and a feminine spirit.

A phrase from my religion that has found it's way into my current life: "When the spirit moves"
I like that. It shows an ability to let go and feel. Feel who are. What's inside. I try to do that.
My identity is fluid but stable. It's a waterfall. Always moving but strong. I don't bend or sway from my truth.

We've got to get away from thinking we are our gender. We are so much more.

Communication relies on visual clues. I know this. I know that we communicate with females different than males. This puts me a strange place for people that know I am biological female but I look like a man. How do they communicate with me? A lot of people take the 'I'll just avoid them' route.

Privilege

A subtle surprise in being perceived as a man: privilege. It's not that I am rich and famous now. But there has been a shift in the degree of respect I get.
Although, it could be argued that I've noticed a difference because I went from being perceived as homosexual to heterosexual.

I will say two things have changed: expectations and privilege.
People expect a man to do more. Open the doors, pay the bill but with these new expectations comes privilege and respect. Both of these things are only slightly different but enough to notice.

My parents never overly socialized as me as a female. I went fishing, hunting, had knives and pellet guns, shot fireworks but I was still always a girl. So, learning these new dating roles and societal roles is a bit strange...and a quite a bit like why the hell is it this way?!?

I think there are difference between men and women but these differences don't mean that a woman can't open her own door. Or that a man should get paid more at a job.

To me the differences are these: emotional, sexual, physical

emotionally-I can't feel as much. I don't feel as deep. I am never as sad or as happy. This is both bad and good. One I don't have those low, lows but I also don't get those high, highs. And when I am truly sad.. it's hard to cry even though I feel it inside.
What's interesting about this.. is the theory that men are socialized to not cry and that's why they don't... but I was socialized as a female and crying was okay and I use to cry.. easily. But not that I am taking T. I can't. I think there is more to the boys don't cry theory than socialization. (Also, a good movie.. Boys Don't Cry)

Sexually-it's not as intimate as it once was. It's more about the physical.

Physical-I am obviously stronger. Even before doing any lifting my muscles grew.

A class project

I did a short documentary last year on my transition. This year I wanted to continue with it but make it more of interactive approach to my emotions. I created a website:
CHEMISTRY

As I explain on the website "This is my exploration into the visualization of emotion, specifically, the effects of testosterone on emotions. The project pulls from the somatic theories of emotion. Somatic theory suggests that emotions rely on bodily responses rather than judgement. Since starting hormone therapy I would have to agree. My emotions are either manifested by physical reactions or intensified by these reactions. All these emotions have a visual context within my mind. I want to represent the most primal and frequent emotions I have visually."

*a function note be careful rolling over the emotions... once inside an emotion if you roll over any of the others... the audio will shut off on that emotion. The audio clips with each one are about 2 minutes so if it stops just click on it again.

dude, man, bro: I am one of the guys

A dramatic difference now that I always pass as a man is how other guys treat me. Before I had the whole lesbian look going.. guys usually just treated me like I didn't exist. I served no function for them. They couldn't hit on me and they couldn't be my buddy. But now... I am on the inside. I am one of them. The cashier will hand me my change and say, "Here you go, buddy" "Have a good day, man" It's that extra "man, buddy, bro" that makes me a member of the club now. I am also in the club of 'hey look at that girl.' I am not as comfortable in this club.
I volunteered for a walking event in Muncie and as part of it I rode around with a guy in his late 60s, early 70s. We were setting up stations along the walking trail. We talked about cars, work, the trail. Then he stopped into a gas station. He got back into his truck and said, "wow, that girl was good looking. She had great tits."
What!?!
I pause.
Look out the window.
"man, the corn is growing fast."
I mean. What else can I say? I am not going to participate in the objectification of woman even if it means my member status is revoked.

My mom, my religion, my life

I grew up Pentecostal and my mom still is Pentecostal. Now, let me say this first...I love my mom. I do. She is a good person and she tries her best in understanding and loving me. However, she is really religious and well, in religion's eyes I am a horrible sinner. Okay, with all that said... a story:
My mom recently started texting me and today she sent me this:
"I had just prayed that the Lord shine His light on the situation darkness can't hide from God ur sin will surely find u out"

HOW DO I RESPOND TO THAT?
This is how: "true that"
Hehe.
Then she has been using text language like PTL. What's PTL? I figure it's Praise the lord... I could be wrong but I am guessing I am not. The other one was IJN.. I had to ask on this one I had no clue. It was In Jesus Name.

Some insight on the Pentecostal influence in this genderless life.

Tranny Chaser

A restroom discussion

A word to the women on men's restroom: They are filthy. Seriously, no matter what.... there is always that bit of pee chilling out on the floor somewhere. They are usually smaller and they always smell...because of the pee on the floor.

A word to men: You are getting ripped off. The women get far better public restrooms (usually with except of gas station bathrooms). But normally they are far bigger, some even have couches! And the usually smell sort of flowery.
I just wanted you to know. All of you. I am encouraging you to find an empty bathroom (where you won't get arrested and check it out)

Exploring

I've been living in both genders for about 8 years now. I've talked about how I should write a book. I figured I'd start with a blog... see how that goes... then maybe get a co-writer like Snooki did and write a book. However, I doubt I'll be talking about badonks. But, who knows. In this blog I will tell stories of my gender journey that include encounters, introspection and relationship dynamics. I hope it's interesting and if it's not... just come smack me or stop paying attention. My goal is to keep the blog fairly fresh.