in relation to the death post

these hands won't last forever

I truly love technology and I really like my job. However, I would love to have a part time job where I work with my hands outside.

I've asked my dad to help me start building furniture (I think it might quench this thirst). He is an awesome carpenter and it should be a good experience. Our first project: our caskets.

As a child I have two vivid memories about death and acknowledging it's place in life. When I was 5 I asked my mom what happens to us... and she explained we died. She used the 'we go to heaven' version (probably the right move with a 5 year old). I remember feeling overwhelmed and baffled... and surprised that this life just didn't continue on into infinity. And of course I was concerned this heaven place wouldn't have swingsets. In the end, my dad came home and reassured me... everything will be ok.

Then, the summer before my second grade year I remember riding on the pontoon and my feet dragging in the water and thinking.. I could fall off and I could die. Me. Dead. This thought became an obsession. I couldn't stop thinking about all the ways a person could die. I got really scared and this lasted my entire summer and 2nd grade year. I didn't eat because I could choke. I cried everyday at school and went to the nurse. I was in counseling.. (which didn't help.. a guy talking to me with a puppet just didn't do it for me). My mortality consumed me. It was a really bad year for me and worse for my poor parents.

One night I was sitting at the table because my mom told me I couldn't get up until I ate something.. and I just sat there for hours. She finally sat down and said, "what can I do?" She was tired and frustrated, I could see that. Then she pulled out a dove pendant and said, "anytime you get scared just rub this and you'll feel better."

And after months of counseling, that worked. I wish I still had that dove. It had so much meaning to me.

My current approach on death is respect and awareness. We die. It's a natural, good thing. Yet, we sterilize it. We pump our dead flesh full of chemicals and powder the surface. It all seems like we are hanging on. I want to be buried in my own casket that I made with my father..

The reunion: solved

A few post back I was debating if I should go to my high school reunion. I've decided to go. It will be good for everyone to be exposed to some diversity. And, my confidence can handle any bad reaction I get. I have a small group of supportive friends from high school that will be there. That will help. Plus, whoever I take to the reunion.

Bring the rain

Overall, I am a super positive person. I know there is always a better day or moment. I believe, at the core, life is good. It's true.. life is what you make it. I believe in taking responsibility for your happiness. That's why I've walked down this path of uncertainty and struggle with gender presentation to be happy. To be who I want to be. I've never had anything handed to me. I have worked for every single thing I have... this makes me proud. Also, it shows me.. You are all you have. You need to be strong for yourself and when you can provide love and happiness for yourself... you'll end up spreading it to lots of others.

Wow! That was really mushy. Um, hmmm. I guess I've just been really recognized how bless I am. Life is good, kids. Really.

Summer disappears: Enjoy

I deleted this blog for a bit. Bringing it back.. because it feels right.

I don't know that I'll be talking about this whole gender thing as much as just talking. I am at a point where I am not thinking about my gender a whole lot. I am just enjoying my life and those around me. It's been pretty wonderful. Anyways, I am back. For those two people that read this.

To a wonderful summer!