I can't tell you how overwhelmed I feel. My family is crushing me. Every day. My cousin just told me that my grandma (who doesn't speak to me) asked if I was going out of town to get sex change treatments. I have two words for my own grandmother: FUCK YOU. She literally knows nothing about life. She has never cared to know me... but she wants in on the gossip. I forget she exists and frankly, she does the same with me until there is drama to talk about.
I can't rely on my family for love or support. I can rely on them to crush me each and every day. To treat me with disdain and disgust. Most days, I can ignore, live through it but days like today... it crushes me. It destroys me. I remind myself that I am successful and I have lots of support from friends.
I don't think my friends and mentors realize how much I rely on their words and their time. They are my support system. I am my support system. I pray to be stronger with each day and I usually am. But nights like tonight. I can't help but cry. I can't be sad and I can't help but wondering... how the fuck does my grandma know anything about my life?
Fuck. Sorry. But I literally just feel like beating the shit out of something (non-human or non-animal).
It's so hard. No matter the years of therapy. No matter the amount of self-esteem I muster... my family can still crush me. Why can't I be stronger than that? How can I be stronger than that?
Oh, friend. I'm so sorry. This post and the last both make me really sad, but I can't imagine how you must feel.
ReplyDeleteThank you, liz. The thing I feel blessed by are people like you.. that find love and compassion and understanding and clearly, technology for allowing me to feel the support of so many people and the ability to get all this out.
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